The first cut is the deepest

I’ve been reading more about circumcision, not because I’m not sure of what to do when Franbert’s born, but because it’s fascinating to read the stories of parents who are misguided and believe it’s the right thing to do.

There seem to be four main arguments:

• It’s more hygienic.

This is nonsense and has been widely debunked. Paediatricians no longer recommend the practice, even in the USA.

• It’s important for the boy to resemble his father when naked.

Hmm; let me ponder that for a moment. I don’t remember studying my father’s cock much when I was younger. If it had been circumcised, I can’t imagine that I might have felt traumatised by the difference between his and mine.

Besides, fully mature genitalia look a lot different to a baby’s; don’t the pro-circumcision crowd realise this? Do the fathers shave their balls to spare the delicate feelings of their barren, pubeless progeny?

• Circumcised tackle looks nicer.

Surely it’s just a question of what you’re familiar with, like shaved armpits on women. (OK, now you’re wondering, so let me inform you that I don’t like those, either. Nature knows best.)

Besides, you have to wonder how far these parents will go with their cosmetic beautification of their offspring. They prefer the neatness of circumcision, so they lop off the child’s foreskin. Hmm; what if they prefer blue eyes to brown? Do they purchase contact lenses? Perhaps blond hair is more appealing than brown. Well, you’d better buy some hair dye, then. Things must get very complicated if the child turns out to be shorter than the parents would have liked or have a hooked nose or large feet.

• The child might get teased in the changing rooms.

For having a longer dick than the other kids? Yeah, right. What about the kid, who by teasing, has just admitted he was staring at another kid’s dick? That kid stands more of a chance of getting teased, if you ask me.

As an uncircumcised man, I find it all distinctly amusing, bewildering and grotesque to read what people have planned for their baby boys and why.

I’ve never had any trouble keeping my genitals clean, never wondered about my father’s dick (or anyone else’s, as far as I can remember), was not teased at school (of course, I’m hung like a donkey, so that probably helps), and I don’t think my parents had an aesthetic preference where my prepuce was concerned.

Somehow, I survived.

For more than you ever wanted to know about circumcision and the arguments on both sides, I have found discussion, discussion and yet more discussion.

Enjoy (your foreskin).